States Where Baby Boomers Ought to Retire

Palouse farmhouse

Cheap real estate - but who's going to mow the yard?

The AARP just published its list of the best and worst states to retire in. Not as in the state of confusion. These United States.

Ready? Baby Boomers, pay attention.  The AARP is full of crap.

Presenting their picks for worst states to retire in:  Illinois, New York, California, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Ohio, Wisconsin, Connecticut, and Nevada. No argument. High taxes, rotten real estate, and bad weather or all three. Therefore, bad, bad, BAD states to retire to. No argument, AARP. Unless you already live there and like it. Which I seriously doubt.

But here is the AARP list for BEST places to retire:  New Hampshire, Hawaii, North Dakota, South Dakota, Virginia, Iowa, Utah, Connecticut, Vermont, Idaho. Should I repeat that list, or are you already rubbing your eyes?

North Dakota???  You and your frozen snow shoveling butt.  Ditto South Dakota, Iowa, Utah, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Idaho. Hey, if that’s your home and you like it, fine. But if you want to MOVE to a better place when you retire forget those places including Hawaii and Virginia.

Hawaii is a wonderful place for tourists, but how do you find a home that doesn’t cost a million dollars a square foot? And if you want to go someplace, where do you go? The next island? You can’t drive to the Grand Canyon from Honolulu.

Now for Virginia. …Doo Dah. Doo Dah. The food is awful. I once ordered a side dish of  cabbage with my chicken fried steak at a home cooking restaurant in … I don’t know where. I think it was Chesterfield. I like cabbage. But I don’t like it with sugar. Would you believe those pickle headed idiots mixed in some sugar with the boiled cabbage? So scratch Virginia. They might just put salt in the iced tea for all I know.

Colorado? Did I say freezing ass?  OoooooooooooooOKLAHOMA! where the wind comes sweeping down the PLAIN! Tornadoes. They come sweeping down the plain. Try outrunning one of those with your walker. Ka-thump. Ka-thump. Ka-thump. Ditto Kansas. Besides, there’s nothing IN Kansas.

Wyoming? Let’s see. Nah. Texas? If you weren’t born there they make fun of you. With their mouths and with bumper stickers. (“Heart New York? Take I-20 East”).  How about Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama? You’ve got to be kidding.

Kentucky? Tennessee? West Virginia? Ever hear “We don’t like your kind.”

As for the rest of the states where baby boomers ought not to retire, you know who you are.  So now comes my list of the best states to retire.

Indiana. Nobody cares about Indiana not even Indianans, so real estate is cheap, and everyone leaves you alone. The weather isn’t too bad. At least it isn’t freezing ass cold like Wisconsin, North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota, Michigan, Montana…and all the rest.

Arkansas is a good place. Real estate is cheap there, too. The weather is pretty good. And you won’t get into any intellectual challenges with the neighbors. That’s a plus in your dementia years.

Florida is iffy but OK if you don’t mind sweating like a waterfall 24/7, 365.        Arizona. Especially if your summer pleasure is frying your fingers on the car door handle after you wobble back from the grocery store clutching your bag of prune juice and denture cream.

On reflection, when you retire, just stay put. If you could stand it until you retired a few more years won’t make any difference.

Comments

  1. Carol Mckellep says:

    Thank you for a reality check and a funny one at that. I haven’t stopped laughing.

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