you might as well take a few dollars out of your wallet or purse and flush them down the toilet for all the good this stuff will do you.
EDTA actually does exist. It’s called ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid. Over at the University of Maryland Medical Center website I found this: “[S]everal large-scale clinical trials published in peer-reviewed journals have found that EDTA chelation therapy is no better than placebo in improving symptoms of heart disease. And “Chelation therapy using EDTA is the medically accepted treatment for lead poisoning. EDTA is injected intravenously and once in the bloodstream, it traps lead and other metals, forming a compound that the body can get rid of in the urine. The process generally takes between 1 – 3 hours.”
(“Hey, buddy. Want some magic pills?. They’re called Place-Bo’s and it’s a wonder drug. Tell ya what I’m gonna do…….”)
Do you make frequent trips to the bathroom? Do you snore? Have high blood pressure, acne, eczema, psoriasis, rashes? Are you fat? Well have I got a cure for you! Bell Lifestyle Products can cure ANYTHING! And you don’t have to go to a tent revival to be healed, healed!
OK, this humongous newspaper ad didn’t say the Bell stuff could cure anything. But it did promise that “Bell Prostate Ezee Flow Tea” would deliver “Relief in 3-5 days from dribbling, burning and rushing to the toilet.” And by taking some “Master Herbalist Snoring and Sleep Apnea Eze” you could banish those pesky little problems, too. So if you pee a lot, and snore, and have acne, high blood pressure, and a fat body, the Bell family of cure-alls can take care of it. All it takes is some of your money. Probably a lot. And don’t forget the money back guarantee!
I’ve got a guarantee for you. I positively, absolutely, guarantee that you will write the United States Constitution in Chinese, backwards and upside down before you will get your money back.
Nothing has changed since the Pure Food and Drug Act was passed in 1906. OK, some things have changed. There’s probably less rat meat in sausage. But the snake oil salesmen haven’t changed. Want to see what Sears Roebuck advertised in its 1902 catalog? Try this on for size:
“Dr. Hammond’s Nerve and Brain Pills. A Boon for Weak Men.”
“SIX BOXES POSITIVELY GUARANTEED TO CURE ANY DISEASE for which they are intended. This will cure you if you feel generally miserable or suffer with a thousand and one indescribable bad feelings, both mental and physical, among them low spirits, nervousness, weariness, lifelessness, weakness, dizziness, feeling of fullness like bloating after eating, or sense of goneness, or emptiness of stomach in the morning; flesh soft and lacking firmness, headache, blurring of eyesight, specks floating before the eyes, nervous irritability, poor memory, chilliness alternating with hot flushes; lassitude, throbbing, rumbling or gurgling sensations in the bowels with heat and nipping pains occasionally; palpitation of heart, short breath on exertion, slow circulation of blood, cold feet, pain and oppression in chest and back, pain around the loins and weariness of the lower limbs, drowsiness after meals but nervous wakefulness at night, languor in the morning, and a constant feeling of dread as if something awful was going to happen.”
“BEWARE OF QUACK DOCTORS who advertise to scare men into paying money for remedies which have no merit”
If Dr. Hammond’s pills or any of the other stuff mentioned here worked you could get a good night’s sleep with Bell Master Herbalist, wake up and smear some Pain Bust-R II on your aching joints, clean out your arteries with a heaping helping of Advanced EDTA Mega Plus, swallow a few 112 Degrees male enhancement pills, and then you would be ready to run down the side of the freeway naked during morning rush hour jerking off while yelling “I’ve got it made!”
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