We started out young, soft, and leaky. And we’re gonna end up old, soft, and leaky. But it occurred to me as I thumbed through the Walgreens flyer in the Sunday paper that there is no imagination in the naming and marketing of incontinence products on which we will all depend. We’ll all have our adult diaper stories.
For some babies it started with Pampers, Huggies, and Pull Ups. Kind of namby pamby names if you ask me. What about Sponge Bob Pee Pants? Anyhow, with baby boomers it started with cloth diapers and the Tidy Didy man. What a job that guy had. Delivering packages of clean cloth diapers and driving away with used loads in the smelliest truck imaginable. Believe me I know. I remember being a precocious five year old and asking the driver why do you do this? His answer sounded like “suck too” or something like that.
But that was then. Now, fellow boomers, the stark reality as we approach our destiny with Social Security checks and weak bladders is Depends, Poise, Serenity, Certainty, Tranquility, Prevail, Assurance, Attends, and you are not going to believe this: Guard For Men. I suppose that’s protection against the dreaded dribble demon.
“Underwear with maximum protection” is how Depends bills itself. Tranquility is for “peace of mind.” Certainty boasts “3 layers of soakers for absorbency.” OK. I get it, but those names just don’t do it for me. Prevail sounds like you’ve conquered the problem forever. Tranquility makes it seem like you want to do it in your pants on purpose. And Guard brings to mind two hands clutching crotch. We need some straight talk. So here is my list of marketing ideas for the inevitable leakage.
“When tee time is the same as pee time be on time with Urine Time.” Isn’t that livelier and more descriptive than Assurance? Of course it is, in my humble opinion. And the name itself — Urine Time — is unmistakable as to its use unlike Attends. Attends to what? We know, but not without studying the package. I know. I know. Gotta be discreet. But why? We’re baby boomers. We get bashed by the Greatest Generation before us and everyone else behind. We can take it.
Anyway, the marketers of these stop-leak products need something that will suck you in, so to speak. What about “Watertights – For people who have to go while on the go.” Or “Dread No More. They take the fear out of leaving the house.” A companion product could be “Blotters. For those short trips.”
Couldn’t we have “Can’t Miss. For men who are caught a bit short with their aim a smidge off.” And why not “24/7. Because you never know.” Now that’s marketing my friends.
Another good name for a product to catch accidental tinkle is “Impervious. For that fearless feeling at the ballpark.” And don’t forget “Super Soakers. For guided tours with no bathroom in sight.”
And I think “Dry Up” says it all. Not to mention “Tame your madder bladder with Thirstywear. Number One for Number One!”
Or “Wonderpants. The underwear with a super job to do.”
“Range Extenders. When you have to go but you can’t stop.”
“Moisture Sacks. Once and done! From the makers of Suck It Up.”
“No Escape. With elastic leg bands so tight your thighs will turn blue.” Brought to you by the inventive minds of Flow Not, Leakproof, and Drip Stop.
And contemporarily, “Wicky Leaks” comes to mind. As does Dick Wick.
But my fave of faves is “Sop Around the Clock.” Sing with me! “One, two, three o’clock, four o’clock sop! …We’re gonna sop, sop, sop ‘til the broad daylight! We’re gonna sop, gonna sop around the clock tonight!” With an unforgettable name like that it’ll be a classic.
Ready or not, here it comes.
Share your adult diaper stories in the comments below. We won’t tell.